I've been feeling a little discouraged lately, with myself. We saw Wicked today, and sometimes I feel more like Glinda, trying to look good, but actually really selfish and shallow. It's hard sometimes to do good in our lives, to live generously, acting kindly, and meaning it all. Day to day, it is so easy to get caught up in myself, my interests, my problems, me.
And so I beat myself up a bit, withdraw and shut down, making it all worse. There are so many excuses right now; busy weekends, job/life instability, decisions etc. But I want to be able to rise above that all, and still be that "best self".
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."
- Romans 7:15-19
And then I see Paul, who sometimes seems like he thought he had it all together, admitting to struggling to do right. I found that very refreshing. It doesn't give an answer really to fixing all these problems, and I don't have one either. All I know is that Jesus asks us to keep trying, every day. So I will start again in the morning. Or maybe right now.